What Once Was Mine
by Womble27
Summary: There was something there once...can there ever be again despite the shadows of the past and everything that stands between them now? F!Cousland and Nathaniel.H romantic pairing. T for language, rating will most likely go up later.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This one's been bugging me for a while. :3 Originally intended as a two-shot, but when I finished the two chapters, I started thinking about the inbetweeny bits (technical term that) so it has turned into a relatively long fic (I blame the plot bunnies) that I'll update as inbetweeny chapters are written :) strange how neither of the fics I've posted so far are about my main ships... Oh well :P**

**As a side note, thank you all for the favourites on my previous fic, but... I like reviews :( So, borrowing a tactic from the rather wonderful Hatsepsut, I'm going to bribe you all :3 When this fic hits ten reviews, I will give out a present of a Dragon Age: Origins or Dragon Age 2 fic of your choice to the 10th reviewer. I'll write about any pairing you want, or (within reason) any situation you want the characters put in :) Okay? Okay.**

**So, the human noble obviously knew Nathaniel before Awakening, right? This is my version of them re-kindling an old romance after the war, and even after everything that happened. My human noble hasn't had great experiences with men previously: cue angst, romance, and knowing me, a bit of fluff, and maybe some light smut later :D Starts with Nate's conscription.**

**Unfortunately for me, Bioware owns everything, including my soul and spare time. They own the sandbox, they just let me play in it :3**

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><p>Taking a deep breath to compose herself, Warden-Commander Aeryn Cousland stepped out into the courtyard of Vigil's Keep. A fine drizzle had started falling on the early spring morning, but it did nothing to improve her mood or soothe the tension that suffused her lithe frame; unusual for her, as Aeryn usually adored the rain and had done ever since she was a child. It had been one of her and Rory's favourite pastimes, to sit on the battlements of Castle Cousland sharing a bottle of wine they'd sneaked out of the larder from under Nan's nose while a summer storm raged around them. Laughing like fools, they'd come inside hours later, soaked to the bone and her mother would good-naturedly scold them for being childish, then send them both off for hot baths...<p>

With a tired sigh, she pushed all such thoughts out of her mind. Thoughts of Ser Gilmore, her family and home invariably brought her pain, and she had no time to wallow in it today. Massaging her temples, Aeryn swept her gaze over the wreck of the fortress that was, for now, her new home.

_'By Andraste'_ she thought to herself _'The Darkspawn really did a number on this place...'_

It was true enough. The Spawn had devastated the Keep. The Vigil's walls were in ruins, and though the proud gate towers still stood, the hastily erected wooden gates that stretched between them didn't look sturdy enough to withstand a hearty kick from her, let alone anything more powerful. Aeryn remembered when those gates had been made of wood older than she was, and so thick and tough that Delilah had once declared that it would take the strength of an ogre to break down the Vigil's gates. A ghost of a smile graced Aeryn's face as she thought of the irony of her friend's prediction. She had spoken truly, for that is exactly what it had taken, if not quite in the way Delilah had anticipated.

She resumed her damage assessment, and everywhere she looked bodies littered the courtyard. Aeryn tried very hard not to look at any of them too closely, turning her attention to a small rust spot on her amour instead. She had spent many summers in Amaranthine as a child, and she was desperately afraid that one of the lifeless faces she saw would belong to somebody she had known. Despite Howe's treachery, she knew that many of his people would have been innocent of what their Arl was planning, and she bore them no ill will over the fate of her family.

Howe, on the other hand, she hated with a passion that even his demise had not been able to resolve. His was the one death that she felt no remorse over, and never would.

Shaking her head in a sudden movement that sent her mahogany curls flying, Aeryn once again tried unsuccessfully to drag her attention back to the task at hand. She couldn't concentrate, her mind numb from lack of sleep. Arriving late at Vigil's Keep the previous night, she had expected to be greeted, shown to her quarters and left to sleep until her meeting with the Seneschal the next morning. As it was, she had arrived to find the Keep in chaos, the Wardens dead or missing and Varel at the mercy of the strange talking Darkspawn.

From the moment she had arrived, she had been forced into mortal combat, and when it was over, she had been expected to accept a royal visit, and then be present for a debriefing with the Seneschal. While it was lovely to see Alistair again, as she had come to think of him as a true friend and one of the few people she could rely on, everyone seemed to overlook the fact that she'd had no sleep and precious little to eat in over thirty six hours. She was dead on her feet, and she still had other duties to attend to.

Maker, but she was too tired for this shit.

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><p>It was getting towards early afternoon before Aeryn's tasks were completed. She had spoken to Voldrik about the state of the fortress' defences, and to Herren and Wade about armour for her soldiers. She had then been informed by Sergeant Maverlies that it was possible there were Darkspawn survivors trapped in the depths of the Keep, and despite the fact that she could barely swing her sword arm, she decided that this was too important to wait till the next day. Anders was still recovering from his Joining, and she had refused to pit the Vigil's men against the horror of the Spawn so soon after their ordeal. And so she and Oghren had cleared the cellars alone. There had been several ghouls lurking in the deep, and Aeryn had been horrified to discover that among their number was Adria, a women she had known since childhood and who had always treated her kindly during her visits to the Howe estate. Almost crying with revulsion, she gave Adria the cleanest death she could, praying that the Maker would take her to His side.<p>

Thoroughly disheartened, she and Oghren trudged back to the surface. Aeryn was by now so exhausted that she could barely put one foot in front of the other. Emerging at last from the musty cellars, she took a lungful of fresh, clean air, smiling as Oghren cursed about "damn Darkspawn sobering yer up" and he stomped into the Keep. She turned, intending to follow him inside, find the nearest room with a bed and pass out.

"Commander! Commander, ser!"

With a long-suffering sigh, Aeryn turned to meet the young private who had just called out to her.

"Yes?" replied Aeryn through gritted teeth, barely able to hide her irritation. "What is it?"

The other woman faltered under Aeryn's annoyed glare. "Um... I was told to inform you that there is a man in the Keep's dungeons that requires your attention."

"A prisoner?" Aeryn asked in confusion.

"Yes ser" replied the private "We caught him poking around the estate in the middle of the night, not long before you arrived. I'd have said he was just a thief, but it took four Grey Wardens to capture him."

Aeryn felt her eyebrows shoot up in surprise. Four Grey Wardens! Some of the most skilled warriors on the face of Thedas, and it had taken _four_ of them to capture this man? She shook her head in astonishment.

"I know Commander; it's hard to believe, isn't it? Some of the Wardens were half-joking that he'd make a good recruit."

Aeryn thought she half-agreed with them. _Four Wardens!_

"Thank you, Private, that will be all. Please tell the Seneschal that I will deal with it in due course, but I'm just too tired for anything more today."

"As you say, Commander" the private crossed her arms over her chest in a gesture of respect. Aeryn turned to head into the Keep. "Oh, and ser?" the private questioned.

Aeryn looked back over her shoulder at her. "Mm?" she replied.

"I don't know if it makes a difference, but the prisoner said that he knew you. Called you by name and everything."

The private saw her stiffen in shock, and there was a strange look on the pale woman's face as she turned around.

"Did this man tell you his name?" Aeryn asked cautiously.

"No Commander" the private replied "Other than to say that he knew you, he's barely spoken since we captured him."

The Commander still had that strange look on her face when she replied. "Thank you, private. I think... perhaps I will deal with this today, after all."

"As you say, Commander" the private repeated, bowing slightly before taking her leave.

Aeryn moved slowly across the courtyard. So the prisoner knew her, did he? She could only think of three men she knew that could've possibly taken down four Wardens, and two of them she could probably rule out, as the private had made no mention of the prisoner being either Qunari or king. That left only one, and she could rule him out too.

_'Zevran...'_ The thought of him sent a lance of pain through her. She had loved him, and he had used her and betrayed her.

She pushed the memories away, and didn't realise at first that she'd made an actual physical movement to ward them off.

Her cheeks flushing slightly in embarrassment, she disguised the movement by folding her arms. Descending into the dungeons of the Keep, she reflected that her long day was just getting longer.

She stepped into the poorly lit room, squinting a little in an attempt to see through the strange half-light thrown by the shuttered lanterns.

"Ah, Commander!" the guard's voice floated to her out of the gloom. "Good thing you're here. This one's been locked up three nights now."

She crossed the room in two strides as the guards face twisted dangerously, and he gestured savagely over his shoulder to the man in the shadowy cell. "Good men... my friends… died while _he _was protected in his cell!"

"At ease, guardsman" Aeryn said to him soothingly, laying a hand on his arm. She would've said more, but at that exact moment the man in the cell stepped out from shadows.

She went rigid with shock. _'No... no it can't be!'_

"Commander?" the guard questioned. Her comforting grip on his arm had become painfully tight. "Commander?" he questioned again.

Her throat had closed up and the only sound she could make was a sort of strangled sob.

"Commander!" the guard was by now truly alarmed. "Are you hurt? Do you know this man?"

"Yes. No." she replied, barely noticing that she had answered the questions in the wrong order. "I... Leave me to talk with him." She forced the words past frozen lips.

"As you wish, Commander." The worried guard gently shrugged out of her grip before bowing.

The man in the cell slipped back into the shadows.

"I'll tell the Seneschal you came" the guard continued. He'll want to know what you decide to do with this man."

Bowing again, the guard left, first walking calmly, then faster and faster until he was taking the stairs at a full on sprint. He couldn't rationalise it to himself, he just knew that he had to get away from that horrific look of pain in his Commander's eyes. She may not have been that much older than him in years, but the guard knew he would have to see a lot more of the world and and experience a lot more heartbreak to even begin to comprehend the depth of pain he had just seen.

Shaking his head, the guard decided that after he had fetched Seneschal Varel, he would go and give thanks to the Maker for what he now considered a sheltered life.

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><p>Down in the dungeons, Aeryn searched through the prisoner's effects as she took a few minutes to compose herself. By the time she had found what she was looking for she had almost convinced herself that it must've been a trick of the light. The man in the cell couldn't be him after all. It was impossible. He was supposed to be in the Free Marches for Maker's sake! Then her fingers brushed against familiar oiled leather, and her half-formed hopes were shattered. Her heart plummeted as she pulled out the old leather quiver. It was his for sure, complete with the faded green ribbon that she had tied to it three years previously.<p>

It was him all right.

_'Fuck.'_

Aeryn leaned against the cold stone wall breathing heavily. _'I can't face him. I can't! Not after what his father did. For all I know, he could've known about the attack. He could've been helping his father plan it for years before he went to the Marches…'_ She started then, for until now she had never really considered that possibility. Her mind was suddenly swimming with doubts. _'Oh Maker, what if he did know? Was everything between us a lie? I can't do this, I can't, I can't...!'_

_'You can.'_ A new voice rang out in her mind. It was her father's, and she suddenly remembered the words he had said to her so often as a child.

"We are Couslands" she whispered under her breath "and we do what must be done."

She smiled shakily. She knew her that the voice she had heard, her father's voice, was just a memory. But it had helped_. 'I can do this... I have to do this. I am a Cousland and Commander of the Grey, and I will do what must be done.'_

Taking a deep breath to steady herself, Aeryn moved towards the cell, and with shaking fingers unlocked the door. Stepping inside, she turned to face her childhood friend.

"Hello Nathaniel."


	2. Chapter 2

**Nathaniel and Aeryn talk. Nathaniel is very bitter, and in the heat of anger, he might've accidentally insinuated that the Couslands deserved their fate. Aeryn flips her shit.**

**Do I have to say this every time? All belongs to Bioware, damn it! Including me, if they want me .**

**Short chapter this one, I think it puts more emphasis on the situations... Ok, I'm sorry, I just annoyed with editing, so I'm putting it up as is. Next one'll be longer, pinky swear.**

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><p>The smile he gave her was sardonic and cruel, lacking in the joy that had so suffused it as a child.<p>

"Well if it isn't the great hero. Conquerer of the Blight and Vanquisher of all Evil. Aren't you supposed to be ten feet tall with lightening bolts shooting out of your eyes?" His voice was cold and bitter.

Nathaniel had always been sarcastic, and despite the venom that loaded his words now, Aeryn was glad to see that that at least had not changed.

"The Darkspawn probably think so" she replied with a small smile.

He gave a derisive snort. "Somehow I just thought that as my father's murderer, you'd be... different to how I remembered you. More... _impressive._"

_'Shit.'_ She'd known that he'd bring his father up, but she has hoped that she might've been able to talk to him a little first.

"My family owned these lands until you showed up! Do you feel any remorse for killing my father?"

She wasn't going to lie to him. "No."

He seemed to shrink a little at this. "No. No, of course you don't. He was just another obstacle to you, wasn't he? Just one more step on your way to Loghain, another political opponent you killed!"

Aeryn railed at the aspersions he had cast on her character. "I dispensed justice, nothing more! Arl Howe killed my family!"

"You and your family were going to sell us out to the Orleasians!" he yelled back, his cheeks flushed with anger "You deserved everything you got, and more!"

Aeryn turned deathly still, the moment of calm before a terrible storm. Then suddenly she was screaming at him, her anger rolling off her waves, scalding him with it's intensity.

"How dare you! How FUCKING _dare_ you! You have _no_ idea what I've been through because of your father!"

"I..." Nathaniel started.

"No! Shut up! Shut up and fucking _listen_!" Her face twisted as she spat the words at him. "Because of your father, my entire family is dead! His men killed my seven year old nephew in front of his mother's eyes before stabbing her through the stomach and leaving her to bleed to death! I was made to leave my parents behind, knowing that they would die. I left my childhood home in flames, forced into a life I had never _wanted!_ Do you remember Rory?" Nathaniel stared at her blankly. "Ser Gilmore? When I was held a prisoner in Fort Drakon, a place your father used as his own personal playground, I found his bloodstained corpse rotting on a platform in a torture chamber! Howe had brought captives from my _home_ to be tortured for his own sick amusement!"

Nathaniel was ashen-faced, Aeryn noted with a perverse satisfaction.

"And when I finally caught up to your father, he told me that before he killed them, he had made my father watch as he raped my mother and then he'd forced my mother to look at him as he slit her husband's throat. He then gave mother the option of becoming his _'pet'_" Aeryn's face twisted in utter disgust at the word "and she turned the knife on herself. Now think on that, _boy_, and tell me: does _anyone _deserve that?"

Nathaniel was speechless, a look of abject horror on his face.

"I didn't think so" she snarled at him. With one fluid movement, she was out of the cell and moving towards the staircase.

"Commander?" she heard the note of question in the surprised Seneschal's voice as she breezed past him on the very steps he had just descended.

"Lock him up again" she snapped over her shoulder "I'll deal with him later."

Breathing heavily, she took the stairs two at a time, quickly ascending to the surface.

It was only when she was completely out of Nathaniel's sight that she permitted herself to cry.

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><p>The next time she spoke to Nathaniel, Aeryn did not enter the cell. Instead she spoke to him through the bars, not trusting herself not to hit him if she went inside.<p>

"Why did you come here, Nathaniel?" she asked him tiredly. "What is it you want?"

"I thought..." he started before glancing at the ground guiltily. "I thought I was going to try to kill you. To lay a trap for you."

Aeryn paled. Well she remembered Nathaniel's prowess with traps and poisons. She had always been a shade more skilful with the bow than he, but he more than made up for it with his other talents. If he had wanted her dead, Fereldan would be mourning it's hero now. Her hand crept almost involuntarily to her throat.

"Why didn't you?" she queried. "You always were better at traps than me, Nathaniel. I could be dead now, if you had followed through."

"Ah, but you were always more adept at blending into the shadows than I was. That was my downfall, I think. I didn't even make it into the Keep before your Grey Wardens found me. Besides," he said dismissively "I realised that I just wanted to reclaim some of my family's things." His voice broke a little as he continued. "They're all I have left."

Aeryn started with surprise "Your family has belongings that are still here?"

"We used to live here, once upon a time" he replied bitterly "Father didn't take everything with him to Denerim. Look... what happened with your family... from what you said it sounds as if it was horrible."

"Yes." Aeryn replied, her grip tightening on the bars of the cell. "It was."

"The entire war was. Whatever my father did however, shouldn't harm my whole family. The Howes are pariahs now! Those of us left. It's all thanks to you. And now you get to decide my fate. Ha. Ironic, isn't it?"

Aeryn rubbed her temples, considering. "What would you do if I let you go?"

"If you let me go?" Nathaniel repeated in bewilderment. "I... I don't know. I only came back to Ferelden a month ago... If you let me go, I'll probably come back here. You might not catch me next time" he threatened.

She gave a tired laugh. "You're not making the best case for yourself."

"I could lie. _If _you prefer" he told her insolently.

_'Yes'_ she thought _'Yes, I do prefer. Oh Maker, why must this be so difficult? He's too dangerous to let go, I know that. But there was something between us once, and for the sake of that memory, I can't execute him. But I can't keep him locked here forever. Can't keep him, can't let him go, can't kill him. Shit. Oh, shit!'_ she thought as the truth of her predicament presented itself.

Nathaniel gave a small cough, and suddenly realised that the silence had stretched on for too long. Her cheeks flushed red in embarrassment, and she stuttered as she fumbled for something to say. To the Void, why did he make her feel so ruffled? _'You're Commander of the Grey! Act like it, and pull yourself together!'_

"I, uh, understand we had trouble capturing you, Nathaniel" saying the first thing that popped into her head.

"I'm not without skill, as you well know, _my Lady_" he said the words mockingly. "And my time abroad wasn't spent chasing skirts and drinking wine."

"Perhaps… perhaps you should work to redeem your name" Aeryn said slowly, a thought having occurred to her.

"You're right. I'll go join King Alistair's service immediately!" Nathaniel said sarcastically "He'd be certain to give a Howe another chance! Look, the Darkspawn are a menace. If it weren't for the Blight... maybe my father would never have... done what he did. But I can't do anything about them, can I! There's just you and the Grey Wardens, here in my home!"

Aeryn pondered his words. So he agreed that the Darkspawn were a menace, did he? Then maybe... _'Yes! That's it!'_ she thought, the solution to her problems presenting itself in perfect clarity.

I've decided what to do with you" she said suddenly.

Nathaniel looked at her disdainfully. "Already?" he asked, his voice flat and dead. "Good."

"Fetch Varel for me, please" she ordered the guard who was standing nearby. He bowed and left the room.

He glared at her in stony silence as they waited. She leant her head against the cold metal bars of his cell. She felt sick, feeling the hostility that rolled off him in waves.

"Do you really hate me so much?" she asked quietly. He didn't say anything. He didn't need to. The silence screamed his answer at her.

Yes. He did.

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><p>"I brought the Seneschal for you Commander!" the guard bounded towards her happily. <em>'Rather like a large puppy' <em>she thought _'One that's ever so proud of himself for having fetched the stick.'_

"Thank you guardsman, that will be all" she replied, smiling a little. She liked the soldiers here. They were so eager to please, and they actually took orders! It was a refreshing change of pace from her rag-tag group of adventurers. She did miss them a bit though. Ok, a lot

"I see you've spoken to our... guest. Quite the handful, isn't he?" said Varel with a wry cough. "Have you decided what is to be done with him?"

"I have" Aeryn replied. "Did you know that this was Nathaniel Howe?"

"A Howe?" the Seneschal asked, his tone remarkably unsurprised. "It figures they would turn up again. The Howes are implacable enemies, Commander."

_'Well I know it'_ thought Aeryn. _'I must be insane... well I better get this over with. I don't think either of them will like me very much for this...'_

"Seneschal, I wish to invoke the Right of Conscription."

"You _WHAT!_" Nathaniel's voice cracked like a whip through the sudden silence.

"I'm sorry Commander?" Varel asked, taken aback, sure that his ears must be playing tricks on him. "The Right of Conscription? On the _prisoner?_"

"No!" Nathaniel yelled, fury colouring his voice. "Absolutely not! Hang me first!"

So he was going to be difficult. _Wo-nderful._

"You don't think this is better than dying?" she snapped at him.

His eyes narrowed. "Hard to say. You like having Grey Wardens who want you dead?"

A small smile played around Aeryn's lips. "Some of the best people I've ever known have tried to kill me. It's how I make friends."

"You _really_ want a Howe as a Grey Warden?" he asked. "You are a very strange woman."

Aeryn rolled her eyes. "I've heard _that _before..."

Nathaniel still sounded incredulous. "I can't decide if this a vote of confidence or punishment..."

"Maybe it's both" Aeryn said quietly.

"An... interesting decision, Commander" Varel said slowly. "Come with me Ser" he said, motioning for the guard to unlock Nathaniel's cell. "We'll see if you survive the Joining."


End file.
